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[andyallenone]

Match report by Iain Cochrane

With apologies if I’ve spelt your name wrong, invented you, missed you out altogether or fictionalised events.

Thanks to Luke for Dictaphone duty. Nice work fella.

25/08/2007

Millennium F.C. 2 - Colombo Lions 4

They think it’s all over…

Oh, didn’t we ‘ave a luvverly time the day we went to………..Dankotuwa?

There’s something very pleasing to the average Englishman about this particular score line but in truth, the match was a lot closer than the result suggested which made the victory all the sweeter and made the two hour slog worth it. There was no great stand-out individual for Millennium F.C. with the possible exception of the No. 16 steamroller whom Andy and I had the pleasure of being flattened by a couple of times but they played well as a unit and stuck to our heels like a fat bloke at a pie stall.

Owing to Colombo traffic, the game was delayed to the extent that the game time was reduced to 80 minutes. It could have been less if the speeches had been any longer but after much ceremony and pomp, the game got underway with the Sun sinking in the west and a decent crowd of over 100 looking on.

The game was worth the wait and the entry fee (gratis) for the first minute alone when the Lions found the back of the net on their first attack and with only 20 seconds on the clock. Jules received a quick ball on the left and beat his marker. He took a couple of touches before beating the keeper by placing a neat ball toward the far corner. (WARNING!!! DISCLAIMER ALERT!) Mesh assures me that the ball was going wide and that it was necessary for him to poach the tap-in and as I was relying on him for a ride home, these are the truths I have chosen to believe. Sorry Jules, the hat-trick will have to wait.

0 – 1

Perhaps there was a minor worry that the flood gates had opened early and a cricket score was in the offing. No such luck.

Direct from kick-off, the ball was lumped forward. With everyone at sea, their lone striker got a clean head to it and lobbed the advancing Seaman. Two goals in the opening minute.

1 – 1

The game then resumed some kind of normality and settled with the best of the early chances falling to the Lions. Vegard’s shot in the 6th minute was a golden opportunity to take the lead but it was well wide. In the same minute, the ball was at the other end of the pitch but Seaman made a comfortable save.

Seaman was at it again two minutes later collecting well from a corner.

Then a Lion’s free-kick looked to be within Rich’s range but the ball went wide of the right hand post.

Then, 10 minutes in, Rich sprayed the ball out to Jules on the left who squeezed a shot into the bottom, far corner of the net in a carbon copy of the first minus the Mesh factor.

1 – 2

Shortly after, Mr. Osman made a rare mistake on the day when he dubiously awarded Millennium F.C. a penalty. Justice was done however, when Seaman saved comfortably from a weak spot-kick aimed right down his throat.

But then they put together a few moves that saw them in the ascendancy by using pace instead of guile.

The Lions gave as good as they got though and Furrukh came close on 24 minutes.

Prev and Andy made an entrance on the half hour which immediately resulted in another goal for Jules. It was almost another carbon copy of the other two moves but this time, a nowhere move down the middle of the park saw Mesh assisting and Jules tucking the ball away into the far corner from the edge of the area to establish a deserved advantage.

1 - 3

Back came Millennium F.C. but their reply was dealt with by fortress Kaz who sent the ball out for a corner.

M.F.C. had the better of the closing minutes of the half but some stout defending saw to it that the advantage was maintained until the break.

Half time: 1 – 3

The home side may have felt aggrieved to be losing at half time despite the fortuitous nature of their goal. They were good value and the Lions were certainly not discounting the possibility of a turn-around in the second half.

After the break, Lions’ teeth were bared as early as the 50th minute when Jules shared a lovely one-two agreement with Wahid but the tight-angled shot was well defended.

Then it was the turn of M.F.C. who put the Lions under pressure for a sustained period. A fantastic move down the right had them performing well-rehearsed attacking triangles which the Lions found difficult to deal with but their best move resulted in a free-kick to the Lions for off-side.

Sylvain’s free-kick found their mid-field alert and able to pump the ball back into Lion’s territory where confusion reigned. The ball ended up at the feet of a M.F.C. striker in the six yard area and some good blocking work by Kaz and Seaman snuffed out the immediate danger but the ball fell to the wrong man who leathered it home from the “D”. The Lion’s defence then came under some vocal scrutiny by Captain Rich with predictable passion but, on this occasion, the goal resulted from some good football.

2 – 3

On the up-side, the M.F.C. goal turned the game into something worth watching and both teams sensed that the match could go either way.

A possible turning point arrived a couple of minutes later when another free-kick to the Lions 25 yards out had the visitors hopeful of a Captain Rich special. He beat the wall but the keeper made an easy job of it.

The Lions were then put firmly on the back foot, defending wave after wave of attacks from M.F.C. who seemed determined to spoil the party. But the back four held firm and concentrated on sealing the win with some comfortable distribution.

In the 64th minute an object lesson in why shouting for the ball is a good thing was demonstrated by Andy and Seaman when they chose to ignore each other. Andy got there first which halted his attacker’s progress but Seaman was caught stranded and the whole stadium held its collective breath while the ball danced along the goal line before being sent safely into orbit by the ever-alert Kaz. At the same time, Andy was steamrollered but, thankfully, was able carry on, averting two disasters for the price of one.

With half an hour to go, you couldn’t predict which way the game was going to go with attacking football being played by both sides and neither side were in the mood to grant any favours. Then the Lions nearly extended their lead when another shot by Vegard went narrowly over.

But then a quickly taken free-kick by M.F.C. saw a great shot on goal which was diverted onto the post brilliantly by Seaman but only as far as another opposition striker who somehow contrived to send the rebound out for a Lion’s goal kick.

A minute later the Lion’s woodwork was rattled again and the visitors were counting their blessings.

Sustained pressure earned M.F.C. another corner in the 69th minute but Seaman was growing in confidence and collected well.

With twenty minutes remaining, the game was still open to anyone who wanted it more. But nerves were finally laid to rest in the 71st minute when the ball fell to Vegard on the edge of the area after a decent move down the right. The ball sat up just right and he unleashed an unstoppable drive past the helpless keeper to settle the issue.

2 – 4

To their credit, M.F.C. still attempted to turn the screw and get something out of the game and they came close a couple of times but the Lions were happy to sit on their lead and dictate from the back.

The closest they came was when Seaman broke Iain C’s fall having been run over by that No. 16 referred to earlier and the ball lethargically dragged itself just wide of the onion bag. (Sorry. Struggling for metaphors here!)

Final score: 2 - 4

This was a very satisfying and enjoyable day out resulting in a few new friends and a nice little trophy. Does anyone know a good cabinet maker? It’s nice to think that, one day, Millennium F.C. will come to Beddagana to try to win it back.

Another plus in a day of plusses was the near faultless display given by Mr. Osman who played a blinder.

M.o.M. went to Kaz for a huge defensive display. He ran all day covering the two positions either side of him as well as his own not to mention that goal mouth clearance.

Starting XI: Seaman, Sylvain, Kaz (M.o.M.), Steve H, Iain C, Jules (2), Vegard (1), Rich (Capt), Rob, Mesh (1), Furrukh

Subs: Andy, Prev, Wahid

Attendance: 104 (probably), a few stray dogs (WOOF!) and that family from the valleys again.

And now…the first draft of scene 14 of the trailer of the book of the film of the script of……..

THE KIT BAG!!!

“Be afraid”, said Peter. “Be very afraid. I thought I saw something move in there”.

Shirley’s negligee fell rather too easily to the concrete laundry room floor. It was good advice. Her heaving ***** pulsated with sheer terror and her angelic face contorted in nausea as she slowly raised her pointed, shaking finger toward the corner of the room where the kit-bag undulated menacingly. Puffs of pea-green were emanating from all orifices. A low, guttural rumbling excluded all other frequencies.

Peter immediately leaped across the kitchen, his bulging **** obvious within his sweat soaked *******. It was as if the kit bag was calling to his soiled ********. Calling them home. Calling them home to join with the festering evil that lay within.

“Quick, call 911!” cried Peter. “Someone has to stop this God-damn purulent mass in its filth ridden tracks.”

Somewhere in the near distance, the washing machine door slammed shut.

Shirley stood rooted to the spot. Her **** were ********* in the pale moonlight of the laundry room where the pus-green cloud of odorous marsh gas hadn’t yet stretched its hideous, translucent fingers.

There was still hope. If Peter could just hold on to his mind and wedge himself between the fridge and the cupboard where they kept the tinned goods and non-perishables then maybe Shirley could clothe herself long enough to use the phone. She reached out toward the clothes line where her weekend G-string and gimp mask hung lifelessly on the wire.

“You can do it!” Urged Peter as he screwed up his eyes, clenched his teeth and broke wind.

“Well really!” said Shirley, the last vestiges of her underwear falling to the floor.

“Never mind that!” gasped Peter now using the barrel scrapings of his spent energy. But then the maelstrom began to subside. The kit bag seemed to mellow and weaken.

“What…what’s happening?” said Shirley, her shapely ****** quivering as the **** took the ****** to ******** for a right good *******.

But then she caught a whiff. “Jesus, Peter! What the Hell have you been eating?”

“Darling” said Peter searchingly, “I haven’t had anything since the pickled egg curry with cabbage water entrée that you served up for breakfast this morning”.

His eyes told her that this was the truth, an unquantifiable truth that she believed and drew strength from.

In the laundry room a metallic cacophony shattered this tender moment as the kit bag withdrew further into the corner knocking over Peter’s collection of antique shortbread biscuit tins with picturesque highland scenes depicted thereon.

“It….it’s frightened?” wondered Peter as the smell of that morning’s breakfast assaulted his own sensitive olfactory glands.

He gagged.

“Oh Peter” cried Shirley wondering if this amount of nakedness was really necessary and musing on who would play her in the movie. “Jesus, that’s rank but I think that awful, demonic bag you brought home is actually frightened”.

The bag, it seemed, had met its match in Peter’s deplorable stench designed by Shirley and built by the love they had for each other……and of really spicy food.

Peter fell exhausted from the top of the fridge and fell heavily onto the cold, hard linoleum of the kitchen floor.

“Ow” he said rather limp-wristedly for someone who is supposed to be a bit butch.

Rushing into the laundry room, he adjusted his pith helmet and dog collar, gathered Shirley up in his muscular arms and hurried to the safety of the Morris Minor convertible in the garage pausing briefly to unhook the G-string and gimp mask from the washing line.

For now the kit bag was dormant but like a good volcano…..blah, blah, blah.